Welcome to Grump Bag

Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Saturday, 26 September 2009

The N word

You know what it is

and so do I.

But I cant say it.

And neither can you.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable using such a word

Even in the Tibetan plateau

The most remote place on earth,

Its that controversial.

Bitch

Minge

Fuck

Shit

Cock

Even Cunt

I can write all these things,

And not have the slightest care

But not the N word.

God no

Wow there

It just wouldn’t be politically correct.

Fuck it

What type of world do we live in anyway

Free speech is everyone’s right

right?

Im gonna say it

Don’t you dare

Here goes:

Please dont

I'M DOING IT

Think of the children

"Nannyflaps."

Charlie and The Chocolate at Home


You will need:

100 bags of pickled onion monster munch

100 bags twiglets

10 1.5 litre bottles of Robinsons Strawberry & kiwi

Ice Cubes

1 Dog

25 curlywurlys

Coca Cola

Watering Can

12 boxes of Cadbury fingers

Method

1) Empty 100 bags of monster munch onto kitchen floor, spreading liberally, to create a never
ending field of golden crisps. Run amok.

2) Pour contents of Robinsons strawberry and kiwi squash into bath, then add ice cubes. Turn on cold tap. Swim within the tranquil waters of your very own tropical tasting lake.

3) Fill Watering Can with coke. Ask friend to pour contents onto your head from above. Dance under a torrential downpour of coca cola rain.

4) Scatter twiglets around in your back garden, then crawl around on your hands and knees; grazing in a partly edible forest. Take care not scrape knees on gravel.

5) Heat curly wurlys gently in microwave, causing them to melt slightly. Apply to the coat of dog. Allow the mythical chocolate tasting beast to roam freely around your wonderland, sampling its delights when and where you wish.

6) Stuff face with constant flow of chocolate fingers in between activities to maintain general feeling of euphoria.

7) Calm down. Clean up.

* Works best if ‘pure imagination’ is played loudly in the background.

What a rack

There was this bar maid

In this Pub

Who had the most banging pair of tits you’ve ever seen.

What a rack.

You know

Not too big

Not too small

Just bang on.


And so all the geezers

in this pub

Used to chat about how fan-

Fucking tastic

This pair of tits were.


Not too big

Not too small

Just bang on.


One day

This Geezer

Mickey Pierce

Said he was gonna ask if he could take a look.

You know,

Go on luv

Get em out

An that.


-He was a right character.


So he walks up to this barmaid

And says

"go on luv".


She looks all confused like.

“What?”

She says.

"Get em out"

He says

All looking down at her tits.


“What do do ya mean? “

She says

prentending not to know,

an that.


But she knows

and we know

- and thats it.



So Mickey Says

“You know exactly what we fucking mean

Darling"

All straight faced


- He was a right chatacter.


So She looks around

And all the geezers in the pub are watching.

Staring.

Leering.

Willing.


“Get them out”

Another bloke mouths.

“Yeah, For the lads!”

Shouts some old todger.

- She feels all on the spot like.


So she does it.

And you know what


That bar maid’s tits

In that Pub

Were the most banging pair of tits you’ve ever seen.

What a rack.


Not too big

Not too small

Just bang on.

Lunch Hour

As the lunch hour approaches, a co-worker asks me what I am planning to eat. “probably a sandwich, or something” I lie, appropriately.


Moments later, I find myself walking through the large glass doorway of McDonald’s; shiftily sporting glances left, then right, like a balding middle ager entering Amsterdam’s red light district.


Nervously approaching the queue, I purposely wear a puzzled expression as I scan the menu; attempting to gain the false impression I do not frequent this ‘restaurant’ more often than is socially acceptable.


“What would you like…?” The till operator asks in a disgruntled tone.


“Just a big Mac meal, with a coke,” I reply apologetically.


“and would you like to go large?”


“No thanks,” I respond, as if the mere suggestion was ludicrous .


The speed at which my order is converted into a snatchable format is crucial to the success of my stealth operation. At the forefront of the queue, I am on stage, my gluttonous exhibitionism visible, on display for all my discerning audience to see.


Thankfully, the puss pimpled student knows exactly what he’s doing, and thrusts the tray at me within seconds. Surveying my array of fatty delight, I instantly regret the Martyr like decision not to have gone large.


Summoning the courage to ask for ketchup, he provides me with a single pot. The shrewd fucker. I don’t have the courage to ask for a second, whisk the tray away from the counter, andscamper off to a private corner, where I then commence the ritualised process of cramming my fat gob.


Clenching seven chips simultaneously in my clamp like claw, I chomp away robotically, . This is heaven, yet I feel guilty, as if I am responisble for child molestation, or the like. So I sit there, slouched over, a sullen gherkin flapping out of my mouth; pondering what social forces are responsible for making me feel this low.


Why does buying a bit of McCrap these days feel as big a Taboo as snatching a pornographic magazine from the top shelf of a magazine rack? I ask myself.

- “Fat bastard” They must say behind my back. “ Fat flabby titted freak”, They must cuss, in a similar, more convincing fashion.

"Now now, calm down," I ask, attempting to quell the internal voices.

Exiting the confines of the McDonalds Burger brothel, having whored myself out yet again, I nurse my rubber tyre with two clenched hands and feel tears swell my eyes for the fifth time this week. At least when I get back to work I can knock one out in the toilet.

CV

Name: James Generic-Grad

Address: My Mothers House

Age: Twenty Something

Telephone: 0765545698

Email: might_as_well_sign_on@hotmail.com

Education

Prattle Polytechnic 2005- 2008

BSC (Hons): 2:2 in Mediocrity

St Standard Comprehensive 2002- 2004

A’ Levels: Triviology: A, Pointlessness : A, Unappliable Studies: B
AS Level: Irrelevant Theory : B

Personal Profile


I spent three years at university, where I did very little but eat take aways, attempt to gain carnal knowledge of the opposite sex, and go out on the piss. I have extensive telecommunications experience, (making orders, carrying out cash transactions), due to the fact I called Pizza Hut at least four times a week while ‘Studying’. I have also successfully negotiated a five thousand pound loan with my mother, which I do not intend to pay back.

Subsequent to attaining a 2:2 in Mediocrity, I now intend to secure a highly paid job in ‘The Media’, where I aim to sit around all day on oversized beanbags, sipping frappachinos; indulging in a general sense of self conceit. I am lazy, financially sponge like, and am not prepared to adopt a vocation unless it fits in with ‘who I really am’. Uni pals refer to me as a ‘Legend’, subsequent to that memorable occasion I dragged a traffic cone all the way home/ got chucked out of the Student Union Bar/ Threw up on myself without realizing.

Work Experience

Obligatory Summer Internship – August 2008

Secured a six week summer internship within ‘Flexi Think’, a global PR Consultancy firm, thanks to the fact my Father is White, Middle Classed and friends with a director there.

Was ignored for most of the time, sitting in the furthermost corner of the office, Idly Facebooking, and chatting to friends on MSN Messenger about the time I dragged that traffic cone home.

Once was asked to undertake a photocopying task by a colleague, however fucked it up and consequently wasn’t asked again.

Part time Car Washer For my Dad June 2004 - July 2009

Have worked part time washing my Father’s Volvo estate for over five years, In order to placate his anger with my lethargy.

Personally coordinate the car washing process myself; failing to ensure the job is carried out in an efficient and thorough manner. Often leave vehicle coated in irritating smears, and never bother to clean inside despite directed to do so.

Once managed to pass off the car as ‘cleaned’ without lifting a finger, thanks to convenient downpour of rain.

Other Relevant Experience.

Frequently utilize advanced IT skills such as the “Delete History” function, in order to view pornography on my parents laptop completely undetected.

Must mention that I have travelled to Australia and Thailand; despite it bearing little relevance to anything at all.

Have beaten the computer on ‘World Class’ mode on Pro Evolution (Playstation 3)

Interests

Staying at home for as long as possible / never undertaking a hard days work/ subscribing to deluded aspirations of fame and fortune