Man on the moon

So they stuck a man on the moon

but they can't make the tube run on time.

So they stuck a man on the moon

but they can't find the terrorists.

So they stuck a man on the moon

but they keep posting my neighbours

fucking gardening magazines 

through my door.

So they stuck a man on the moon

but when it snows

the whole country falls apart.

So they stuck a man on the moon

but they can't work out if my rash 

is just a rash.

So they stuck a man on the moon

but they cant stop the paedos

the rapists 

or the murderers.

You know what?

I DON'T THINK THEY STUCK A FUCKING MAN ON THE MOON

Young Love

Dwayne 17.34

So wen is u gona

suk my dik lol

Aisha 17.50

oh yeh chatin shit

Dwayne yeh? Lol

Chatin Lyk Im sum ho!!!!

Dikhed!!!

Aisha 18.20

Why u txtin me neway?

Herd u fingerd becki in

The asembly hal…

go txt that slag init?

Dwayne 18.45

nah, dat was sum rumor

ting

cum link man down park

Aisha 19.53

Y u lieing u dikhed… mr

dodwell saw u. Plus I told

u…

Im not sum ho

Dwayne 20.02

Dodwells sum peedo init

Come down park

U kno I lyk u, rite?

Aisha 21.57

I lyk u too Dwayne

But I told u. im not no

ho. neway

U kno I cant cum, im

grounded stil

Dwayne 22.05

Y u grounded?

Aisha 22.27

got cuaght

Sukin off my step

Dad for 10 B&H

Again innit

Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver

If that is your real name

I hate your fucking face.

why dont you take your dopey cap

and your faux cockney ways

and just fuck off?

I hate the way you speak with your

flabbery fucking jowles

flapping everywhere.

your face is the most punchable I have seen

and yes

i have seen vanessa phelps

i would like to punch your face

with my fist

so bad.

YEAH

YEAH

take that Jamie

if that is your real name

take my fucking fist

YEAH

I hate your fucking face!

p.s the way you wear that shirt over that t shirt makes you look like a cunt.

Marriage

Every week, she toils away in front of the big white machine, unravelling yet another spunk encrusted sock.

Every night, she soaks her hands in the cancer enducing washing up waters, scooping the gunk from out of his discarded egg cup.

Every hour, she ponders why her life is more depressing than the Nazi holocaust and child rape combined.

Well then love,

Maybe you shouldn't have been such a fucking soft touch.

The Last Man on Earth

Monday

Fucking hell. I've only woken up this morning to find out i'm the last man on earth!

Not sure what to think or feel….

Dad. Uncle John. My best friend Luke, they're all gone……Im devastated.

At least Richard Hammond's dead.

The cunt. 

Tuesday

Fuck me. What a nightmare day. Spent five hours trying to find a funeral company to collect my Dad's body.

It seems there's no-one left who's capable of reversing a hearse down our drive. 


Had to choose between leaving his corpse outside in the garden, or preserving it in the coffin freezer. 

Ended up dumping him in the garden. Didn't want to sacrifice the Meat Feast Pizzas.

 It's what he would have wanted.

Watched BBC news. It seems the whole thing's been caused by some virus or something...

Tried to listen to the Government's action plan but couldn't hear due to my Mum's persistent interruptions. She hasn't stopped since my Dad died. 

There's no one around to suppress her personality.

Wednesday

Mum seems to be doing OK today, so I thought I'd pop out to the shops. It was incredible. I'm like a pussy magnet… every woman I walk past tries to chat me up! 

Must be down to my new 'last man on earth status'. 

Got wanked off in Pret, sucked off in Starbucks, then had a fivesome in H&M. 


Even wiped my dick on a £60 blouse; the store manager didn't bat an eyelid.

"Just happy to get a decent bit of cock", she said.

Everything seemed to be going great until the tube ride home. 


It took three hours. 


Each time we got to a station it took 20 minutes for the train driver to park. Plus she got lost. 

Wasn't the end of the world mind. Used the opportunity to challenge the women in my carriage to a blow job competition.

God my knob's getting sore.

Thursday

Was planning to spend the day watching TV, but all channels are screening nothing but endless repeats of Sex and the City, Ally McBeal, and Glee.

Switched over to Sky Sports, but they're broadcasting extended coverage of the women's world cup. 


Smashed the screen with my fist.

Read the Newspapers. The countries GDP has taken a 80% hit since the virus spread. 


Experts blame the fact women do nothing at work except talk shit, eat cake, and hinder progress in every way plausible.

Nicole Scherzinger's agent got in contact asking me to father her next child. Politely declined. 

Now that I can have any woman in the world, why would I choose to fuck the one that most closely resembles a man?.

Starting to get annoyed.


If one more woman knocks on my door asking me to unscrew a jam jar lid I'm going to ram it up her pussy.

Friday

Russia's declared war on China.

Reports claim the Chinese Premier was caught bitching about the Russian Prime Minister's new haircut. 

Beijing was nuked immediately. 

Both leaders were on their periods, apparently.

Tried to drive the car to Tesco to stock up on emergency supplies, but couldn't get out of my street. 


The road and pavement have been obstructed by abandoned cars.

None of my neighbours seem capable of performing the hill-start required to get onto the main road.