Welcome to Grump Bag

Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Friday, 26 December 2008

When nothing else mattered

The best years of my life were when very little mattered except Sega Megadrive, bags of sweets and children's BBC.

Those days i could play Sonic the Hedgehog for 8 hours on the trot, and yet not even the slightest hint of boredom would enter my mind. My Mum said too much time playing video games would make my eyes square, but she was wrong. it made them boss eyed.

Back then i didn't even know what depression was. I just wanted to play Megadrive until my eyes crossed, occasionally pottering down to the sweetshop with a quid so i could stuff my face with delicious treats.

A mere pound meant one hundred fried eggs, or alternatively, four sour laces and eighty fried eggs. Then again, one could have three chomp bars, forty fried eggs, and six sour laces. A world of opportunities. Nowdays twenty quid barely covers the cost of a Nandos. Think how many penny sweets twenty quid could have bought.

Every weekend i'd be up at seven to play a whole days worth of sonic the hedgehog. Bang on. No need to worry about searching for a job, doing the laundry, or finding a bird. Furthermore, no manic depressive cry wanks. A six year old has no concept of such things.

A day in the life of a coroner

8.00 am – Get out of bed, put on slippers. Brush teeth, wash Face. put on work clothes.

8.15 am – Breakfast: Scrambled eggs on buttered toast with tea.

8.30 am- Drive Car to mortuary

9.00 am – Inspect male, Caucasian corpse. 15 – 20 years old. Body and face badly decomposed due to legion of maggots eroding skin surface. Inspection of anal region reveals suspected cause of death: Large wooden stick thrusted into rectum.

10.00 am – Morning Snack: Cadburys Twirl and Yazoo Strawberry Milkshake.

10.30 am – Drive to Clapham Common.

11.00 am – Police present female Asian corpse, 20 – 25 years old, badly mutilated. Head severed off by nearby found hacksaw, whereabouts unknown. Suspected Cause of death: Murder.

11.15 am - Accidentally slip on foliage and tumble onto badly mutilated Asian corpse. Police laugh. Drive to Café.

12.00 pm – Brunch: Bacon, sausage, Chips, Eggs, Beans, Mushroom. Coffee and Cadburys Twirl.

12.30 pm – Drive to coroners office.

1.00 pm – Arrive at coroners office. Chief Coroner discovers bodily tissue from mutilated Asian corpse caught on shirt button. Explain foliage, tumble. Issued formal warning. Vending machine run out of Twirls. Gutted.

1.30 pm – Drive to Peckham

2.00 pm – Arrive at Elsingham Road, Peck ham. Forensic team at work in burnt out council flat. Presented to Male, charred body in armchair, age unknown. Ethnicity probably white, however now looks black. Suspected Cause of death: Fire

3.00 pm – Mid afternoon snack: Pack of rolos and walkers prawn cocktail grab bag. Oasis summer fruit drink. Snickers.

3.30 pm –Attempt to masturbate in Tesco car park. Spotted by loitering youths whom accost vehicle. Loitering youths view evidence bag containing charred hand on passengers seat. Youths run off. Pull up pants.

4.00 pm - Drive to Mortuary.

4.30 pm – Inspect body of Male, 20 – 25 year old corpse. Ethnicity Chinese. Body was not found by police until 3 months after death. Attempt to open mouth. Stench forces me to close it again. Attempt to remove victims T- Shirt. Rotting abdomen tears open. Maggots everywhere. Slight movement of neck causes eye to pop out of socket, followed by oozing puss. Cause of Death: Do not care.

5.00 pm - Drive home. Stop off at petrol garage en route. Ginsters’ steak Slice. Apple Tango. Twix.

5.30 pm – Arrive home. Make Dinner: Spaghetti Bolognese.

6.00 – 10pm – TV Time: Simpsons, Friends, Coronation Street, Top Gear, Faulty Towers.

10pm – Television X, pre bed wank

10.15 pm - Bed