Welcome to Grump Bag

Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Friday, 26 December 2008

When nothing else mattered

The best years of my life were when very little mattered except Sega Megadrive, bags of sweets and children's BBC.

Those days i could play Sonic the Hedgehog for 8 hours on the trot, and yet not even the slightest hint of boredom would enter my mind. My Mum said too much time playing video games would make my eyes square, but she was wrong. it made them boss eyed.

Back then i didn't even know what depression was. I just wanted to play Megadrive until my eyes crossed, occasionally pottering down to the sweetshop with a quid so i could stuff my face with delicious treats.

A mere pound meant one hundred fried eggs, or alternatively, four sour laces and eighty fried eggs. Then again, one could have three chomp bars, forty fried eggs, and six sour laces. A world of opportunities. Nowdays twenty quid barely covers the cost of a Nandos. Think how many penny sweets twenty quid could have bought.

Every weekend i'd be up at seven to play a whole days worth of sonic the hedgehog. Bang on. No need to worry about searching for a job, doing the laundry, or finding a bird. Furthermore, no manic depressive cry wanks. A six year old has no concept of such things.

A day in the life of a coroner

8.00 am – Get out of bed, put on slippers. Brush teeth, wash Face. put on work clothes.

8.15 am – Breakfast: Scrambled eggs on buttered toast with tea.

8.30 am- Drive Car to mortuary

9.00 am – Inspect male, Caucasian corpse. 15 – 20 years old. Body and face badly decomposed due to legion of maggots eroding skin surface. Inspection of anal region reveals suspected cause of death: Large wooden stick thrusted into rectum.

10.00 am – Morning Snack: Cadburys Twirl and Yazoo Strawberry Milkshake.

10.30 am – Drive to Clapham Common.

11.00 am – Police present female Asian corpse, 20 – 25 years old, badly mutilated. Head severed off by nearby found hacksaw, whereabouts unknown. Suspected Cause of death: Murder.

11.15 am - Accidentally slip on foliage and tumble onto badly mutilated Asian corpse. Police laugh. Drive to Café.

12.00 pm – Brunch: Bacon, sausage, Chips, Eggs, Beans, Mushroom. Coffee and Cadburys Twirl.

12.30 pm – Drive to coroners office.

1.00 pm – Arrive at coroners office. Chief Coroner discovers bodily tissue from mutilated Asian corpse caught on shirt button. Explain foliage, tumble. Issued formal warning. Vending machine run out of Twirls. Gutted.

1.30 pm – Drive to Peckham

2.00 pm – Arrive at Elsingham Road, Peck ham. Forensic team at work in burnt out council flat. Presented to Male, charred body in armchair, age unknown. Ethnicity probably white, however now looks black. Suspected Cause of death: Fire

3.00 pm – Mid afternoon snack: Pack of rolos and walkers prawn cocktail grab bag. Oasis summer fruit drink. Snickers.

3.30 pm –Attempt to masturbate in Tesco car park. Spotted by loitering youths whom accost vehicle. Loitering youths view evidence bag containing charred hand on passengers seat. Youths run off. Pull up pants.

4.00 pm - Drive to Mortuary.

4.30 pm – Inspect body of Male, 20 – 25 year old corpse. Ethnicity Chinese. Body was not found by police until 3 months after death. Attempt to open mouth. Stench forces me to close it again. Attempt to remove victims T- Shirt. Rotting abdomen tears open. Maggots everywhere. Slight movement of neck causes eye to pop out of socket, followed by oozing puss. Cause of Death: Do not care.

5.00 pm - Drive home. Stop off at petrol garage en route. Ginsters’ steak Slice. Apple Tango. Twix.

5.30 pm – Arrive home. Make Dinner: Spaghetti Bolognese.

6.00 – 10pm – TV Time: Simpsons, Friends, Coronation Street, Top Gear, Faulty Towers.

10pm – Television X, pre bed wank

10.15 pm - Bed


Saturday, 29 November 2008

The Best Dream I ever Had

It must have been around eight in the morning when I found myself lost in a rampant sexual session with my girlfriend, Rihanna. Her perky tits were bigger than they seem on TV, whereas her squidgy, caramel coloured ass appeared to be melting like butter in my hands. After she climaxed multiple times simultaneously in a sweaty spasm, I removed my penis from her gushing vagina, and threw her to one side, effortlessly.

Getting out of bed, I glanced in the mirror. My body appeared to have sculpted into the perfectly preened form of Michelangelo’s David overnight, whereas my penis was had grown by fifty percent or so. that’s handy, I thought. Brushing my pearly white teeth, it almost seemed as though my five head had now reduced in size into a normal looking forehead.

Tucking my throbbing, elongated penis into my freshly pressed Armani boxers, I then proceeded to drape myself in an immaculately fitting chocolate brown Gucci suit, found among my well organised, colour coded, walk in wardrobe brimming with seemingly suave outfits.

Downstairs In my chrome designer kitchen, a fresh fruit breakfast sat waiting, between Jessica Alba’s naked thighs. ‘Morning David’ said Robert De Niro, my flatmate, also sitting at my expensive looking glass dining table, sipping coffee. “bet that’s not the only thing you’d like to eat between her legs”, he quipped, patting my back. I laughed. Jessica Frowned.

Annoyingly, the Top Gear team appeared to be stood around my Red Ferrari parked outside, gesticulating to each other in their familiar, dick-headed fashion. Thankfully, after swiftly knocking Clarkson to floor with a clean right hook, and setting Richard Hammond’s hair on fire with my lighter, they fucked off, along with the straggly haired third one nobody remembers.

Setting off in my sports car, soft leather cushioning my ass, fashionable dance music accompanying my journey, I was interrupted at a set of traffic lights, where a fellow driver politely informed me I had been dragging somebody along, caught in the spokes of my back wheels. Inspecting the problem, I discovered it was my ex girlfriends’ new boyfriend.

“Fuck off then,” I said to my ex’s new boyfriend, whose previously handsome face was now permanently mutilated from being dragged half a mile across tarmac. Off he scampered, limping badly from the clearly harrowing ordeal he had just suffered. Opening the glove compartment, I reached for a conveniently placed Cadbury’s Twirl, scoffing it down in one go. I then instantaneously sniffed half a gram of cocaine up my nose, readily waiting upon the dashboard.

Accelerating faster, beautiful women jogging beside me in tight fitting grey sweatpants, bulging breasts leaping up and down furiously to the rhythm of each step, I noticed Wembley Stadium now appeared on the Horizon, and my trim, athletic frame was now clothed in the full Arsenal kit, complete with matching red Nike Boots.

“ONE DAVID BENSON, THERE’S ONLY ONE DAVID BENSON!!” The 90,000 strong crowd cheered, as I tried my best not to develop a boner in my prospectively revealing polyester shorts. The hallowed turf of Wembley Stadium crunched softly under each of my steps as I tried to integrate myself into the ongoing arsenal attack.

Vieira had just done Frank Lampard, and was now pacing forward in strides towards the Chelsea gola. He then dispatched the ball crisply forward to Bergkamp, who with a majestic turn had just beaten John terry in defence. The ball was then laid off to me, goal gaping. “This is my chance!” I thought, before gloriously shaping up to score the winning goal in the Champions league final. I could feel the electricity in the air. The glory of becoming an all conquering footballing great was nearly upon me..

Suddenly my leading foot stubbed awkwardly into the ground, causing my following shooting foot to swipe at thin air. The groan of 90,000 exasperated men was clearly audible as I fell over myself in the nature of spastic; ball bobbling harmlessly out for a goal kick. “Wanker!” somebody from the crowd shouted.

Then I woke up.

You know you're a fat cunt when...

You are on first name terms with the man from the kebab shop
You think about what to have for dinner while eating lunch
You notice which staff members work what shift at KFC
You eat doner meat even when not inebriated
You can hide various objects within your belly roll
You eat like a bulimic yet don’t throw up afterwards
You buy slabs rather than bars of chocolate
You know pizza delivery telephone numbers off by heart
You sweat while walking in the winter
You suspect that twisters have become smaller than they used to be
Your girlfriend/ boyfriend suddenly refrains from having sex with you