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Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

The Last Man on Earth





Monday



Fucking hell. I've only woken up this morning to find out i'm the last man on earth!

Not sure what to think or feel….

Dad. Uncle John. My best friend Luke, they're all gone……Im devastated.

At least Richard Hammond's dead.

The cunt. 



Tuesday



Fuck me. What a nightmare day. Spent five hours trying to find a funeral company to collect my Dad's body.

It seems there's no-one left who's capable of reversing a hearse down our drive. 


Had to choose between leaving his corpse outside in the garden, or preserving it in the coffin freezer. 

Ended up dumping him in the garden. Didn't want to sacrifice the Meat Feast Pizzas.

 It's what he would have wanted.

Watched BBC news. It seems the whole thing's been caused by some virus or something...

Tried to listen to the Government's action plan but couldn't hear due to my Mum's persistent interruptions. She hasn't stopped since my Dad died. 

There's no one around to suppress her personality.



Wednesday




Mum seems to be doing OK today, so I thought I'd pop out to the shops. It was incredible. I'm like a pussy magnet… every woman I walk past tries to chat me up! 

Must be down to my new 'last man on earth status'. 

Got wanked off in Pret, sucked off in Starbucks, then had a fivesome in H&M. 


Even wiped my dick on a £60 blouse; the store manager didn't bat an eyelid.

"Just happy to get a decent bit of cock", she said.

Everything seemed to be going great until the tube ride home. 


It took three hours. 


Each time we got to a station it took 20 minutes for the train driver to park. Plus she got lost. 

Wasn't the end of the world mind. Used the opportunity to challenge the women in my carriage to a blow job competition.

God my knob's getting sore.



Thursday



Was planning to spend the day watching TV, but all channels are screening nothing but endless repeats of Sex and the City, Ally McBeal, and Glee.

Switched over to Sky Sports, but they're broadcasting extended coverage of the women's world cup. 


Smashed the screen with my fist.

Read the Newspapers. The countries GDP has taken a 80% hit since the virus spread. 


Experts blame the fact women do nothing at work except talk shit, eat cake, and hinder progress in every way plausible.

Nicole Scherzinger's agent got in contact asking me to father her next child. Politely declined. 

Now that I can have any woman in the world, why would I choose to fuck the one that most closely resembles a man?.

Starting to get annoyed.


If one more woman knocks on my door asking me to unscrew a jam jar lid I'm going to ram it up her pussy.


Friday



Russia's declared war on China.

Reports claim the Chinese Premier was caught bitching about the Russian Prime Minister's new haircut. 

Beijing was nuked immediately. 

Both leaders were on their periods, apparently.

Tried to drive the car to Tesco to stock up on emergency supplies, but couldn't get out of my street. 


The road and pavement have been obstructed by abandoned cars.

None of my neighbours seem capable of performing the hill-start required to get onto the main road.

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