Welcome to Grump Bag

Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Monday, 25 July 2011

Man on the moon



So they stuck a man on the moon

but they can't make the tube run on time.


So they stuck a man on the moon

but they can't find the terrorists.


So they stuck a man on the moon

but they keep posting my neighbours

fucking gardening magazines 

through my door.


So they stuck a man on the moon

but when it snows

the whole country falls apart.


So they stuck a man on the moon

but they can't work out if my rash 

is just a rash.


So they stuck a man on the moon

but they cant stop the paedos

the rapists 

or the murderers.


You know what?



I DON'T THINK THEY STUCK A FUCKING MAN ON THE MOON

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Young Love


Dwayne 17.34
So wen is u gona
suk my dik lol

Aisha 17.50
oh yeh chatin shit
Dwayne yeh? Lol
Chatin Lyk Im sum ho!!!!
Dikhed!!!

Aisha 18.20
Why u txtin me neway?
Herd u fingerd becki in
The asembly hal…
go txt that slag init?

Dwayne 18.45
nah, dat was sum rumor
ting
cum link man down park

Aisha 19.53
Y u lieing u dikhed… mr
dodwell saw u. Plus I told
u…
Im not sum ho

Dwayne 20.02
Dodwells sum peedo init
Come down park
U kno I lyk u, rite?

Aisha 21.57
I lyk u too Dwayne
But I told u. im not no
ho. neway
U kno I cant cum, im
grounded stil

Dwayne 22.05
Y u grounded?

Aisha 22.27
got cuaght
Sukin off my step
Dad for 10 B&H
Again innit

Jamie Oliver

Jamie Oliver

If that is your real name
I hate your fucking face.
why dont you take your dopey cap
and your faux cockney ways
and just fuck off?

I hate the way you speak with your
flabbery fucking jowles
flapping everywhere.
your face is the most punchable I have seen
and yes
i have seen vanessa phelps

i would like to punch your face
with my fist
so bad.
YEAH
YEAH
take that Jamie
if that is your real name
take my fucking fist
YEAH
I hate your fucking face!

p.s the way you wear that shirt over that t shirt makes you look like a cunt.


Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Marriage


Every week, she toils away in front of the big white machine, unravelling yet another spunk encrusted sock.

Every night, she soaks her hands in the cancer enducing washing up waters, scooping the gunk from out of his discarded egg cup.

Every hour, she ponders why her life is more depressing than the Nazi holocaust and child rape combined.

Well then love,

Maybe you shouldn't have been such a fucking soft touch.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

The Last Man on Earth





Monday



Fucking hell. I've only woken up this morning to find out i'm the last man on earth!

Not sure what to think or feel….

Dad. Uncle John. My best friend Luke, they're all gone……Im devastated.

At least Richard Hammond's dead.

The cunt. 



Tuesday



Fuck me. What a nightmare day. Spent five hours trying to find a funeral company to collect my Dad's body.

It seems there's no-one left who's capable of reversing a hearse down our drive. 


Had to choose between leaving his corpse outside in the garden, or preserving it in the coffin freezer. 

Ended up dumping him in the garden. Didn't want to sacrifice the Meat Feast Pizzas.

 It's what he would have wanted.

Watched BBC news. It seems the whole thing's been caused by some virus or something...

Tried to listen to the Government's action plan but couldn't hear due to my Mum's persistent interruptions. She hasn't stopped since my Dad died. 

There's no one around to suppress her personality.



Wednesday




Mum seems to be doing OK today, so I thought I'd pop out to the shops. It was incredible. I'm like a pussy magnet… every woman I walk past tries to chat me up! 

Must be down to my new 'last man on earth status'. 

Got wanked off in Pret, sucked off in Starbucks, then had a fivesome in H&M. 


Even wiped my dick on a £60 blouse; the store manager didn't bat an eyelid.

"Just happy to get a decent bit of cock", she said.

Everything seemed to be going great until the tube ride home. 


It took three hours. 


Each time we got to a station it took 20 minutes for the train driver to park. Plus she got lost. 

Wasn't the end of the world mind. Used the opportunity to challenge the women in my carriage to a blow job competition.

God my knob's getting sore.



Thursday



Was planning to spend the day watching TV, but all channels are screening nothing but endless repeats of Sex and the City, Ally McBeal, and Glee.

Switched over to Sky Sports, but they're broadcasting extended coverage of the women's world cup. 


Smashed the screen with my fist.

Read the Newspapers. The countries GDP has taken a 80% hit since the virus spread. 


Experts blame the fact women do nothing at work except talk shit, eat cake, and hinder progress in every way plausible.

Nicole Scherzinger's agent got in contact asking me to father her next child. Politely declined. 

Now that I can have any woman in the world, why would I choose to fuck the one that most closely resembles a man?.

Starting to get annoyed.


If one more woman knocks on my door asking me to unscrew a jam jar lid I'm going to ram it up her pussy.


Friday



Russia's declared war on China.

Reports claim the Chinese Premier was caught bitching about the Russian Prime Minister's new haircut. 

Beijing was nuked immediately. 

Both leaders were on their periods, apparently.

Tried to drive the car to Tesco to stock up on emergency supplies, but couldn't get out of my street. 


The road and pavement have been obstructed by abandoned cars.

None of my neighbours seem capable of performing the hill-start required to get onto the main road.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Update: Riz Lateef

Christians talk of the resurrection of Christ.

One of my friends once claimed he had two large Domino's Pepperoni Passions delivered to his house. By mistake.

Divine intervention always seemed implausible to Grump. Until yesterday, that is. When I witnessed a miracle of my own.

There I was, standing in the ticket hall, at Notting Hill Gate station. When who should I spy?

The one, the only, RIZ LATEEF.

I stood there, breath stifled by sexual urge.

Three months of trawling through phone directories. Multitudinous failed attempts to breach the BBC Television Centre's security. Countless wanks over the six o clock news.

THEN SHE FALLS INTO MY BONER FREQUENTED LAP.

Like a bluebottle fly, drawn to a left over curry, I drifted towards her involuntarily, imbued in her radiant, alluring Asian aura.

Hair tied up, makeup-less face purposely screened behind her BlackBerry, she probably thought she was safe from public detection.

Naive, Riz. Naive.

 Your vain attempts to de glamorise yourself are no match for my acutely poised desi radar.

Such delicately sculpted cheeks. Such fragile, brittle little wrists. I could pick them out from the most densely populated Mumbai slum.

I could feel blood rushing to my penis like a Tsunami surging through the indian ocean.

Finally I would sample the exotic fruits of the sub continent. Entranced, edging further towards her, she spied my rapist glare.

Her startled, deep set eyes flashed at me like a pair of marbles.

She sensed danger. But she needn't have feared.  I just wanted to greet her. Meet her. Maybe take her home.

MAYBE CONSUME HER SOUL.

She hurried through the ticket hall, attempting to escape. I pursued, eyes locked on her pert, albeit bonier-than-I-had expected buttocks. Her pace quickend. But the crowds were bottle necking at the barriers.

She was trapped.

I pushed my superior body weight onto her lightweight little frame. She yelped. Then I basted her neck with my tongue, before being forcably removed from the staion by florescant jacketed London Underground staff.

You may have escaped this time Riz.

BUT I HAVE THE TASTE







.

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Things you should be able to do in GTA 5


1) Masturbate in the middle of the street
2) Kick small children directly in the face
3) Defecate, then throw the defecation
4) Give people crafty paper cuts
5) Climb into people's homes and rub their faces in their dinner plates




Top Slag


top slag

looking for a thrill

top slag

all slurs and spills.



top slag

knickers down

top slag

mascara and a frown.



top slag

got fucked on the hill

top slag

took the morning after pill


SO I DONT RESPECT HER