Welcome to Grump Bag

Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Saturday, 26 September 2009

CV

Name: James Generic-Grad

Address: My Mothers House

Age: Twenty Something

Telephone: 0765545698

Email: might_as_well_sign_on@hotmail.com

Education

Prattle Polytechnic 2005- 2008

BSC (Hons): 2:2 in Mediocrity

St Standard Comprehensive 2002- 2004

A’ Levels: Triviology: A, Pointlessness : A, Unappliable Studies: B
AS Level: Irrelevant Theory : B

Personal Profile


I spent three years at university, where I did very little but eat take aways, attempt to gain carnal knowledge of the opposite sex, and go out on the piss. I have extensive telecommunications experience, (making orders, carrying out cash transactions), due to the fact I called Pizza Hut at least four times a week while ‘Studying’. I have also successfully negotiated a five thousand pound loan with my mother, which I do not intend to pay back.

Subsequent to attaining a 2:2 in Mediocrity, I now intend to secure a highly paid job in ‘The Media’, where I aim to sit around all day on oversized beanbags, sipping frappachinos; indulging in a general sense of self conceit. I am lazy, financially sponge like, and am not prepared to adopt a vocation unless it fits in with ‘who I really am’. Uni pals refer to me as a ‘Legend’, subsequent to that memorable occasion I dragged a traffic cone all the way home/ got chucked out of the Student Union Bar/ Threw up on myself without realizing.

Work Experience

Obligatory Summer Internship – August 2008

Secured a six week summer internship within ‘Flexi Think’, a global PR Consultancy firm, thanks to the fact my Father is White, Middle Classed and friends with a director there.

Was ignored for most of the time, sitting in the furthermost corner of the office, Idly Facebooking, and chatting to friends on MSN Messenger about the time I dragged that traffic cone home.

Once was asked to undertake a photocopying task by a colleague, however fucked it up and consequently wasn’t asked again.

Part time Car Washer For my Dad June 2004 - July 2009

Have worked part time washing my Father’s Volvo estate for over five years, In order to placate his anger with my lethargy.

Personally coordinate the car washing process myself; failing to ensure the job is carried out in an efficient and thorough manner. Often leave vehicle coated in irritating smears, and never bother to clean inside despite directed to do so.

Once managed to pass off the car as ‘cleaned’ without lifting a finger, thanks to convenient downpour of rain.

Other Relevant Experience.

Frequently utilize advanced IT skills such as the “Delete History” function, in order to view pornography on my parents laptop completely undetected.

Must mention that I have travelled to Australia and Thailand; despite it bearing little relevance to anything at all.

Have beaten the computer on ‘World Class’ mode on Pro Evolution (Playstation 3)

Interests

Staying at home for as long as possible / never undertaking a hard days work/ subscribing to deluded aspirations of fame and fortune

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

its funny cos its true.