Welcome to Grump Bag

Spunking in the face of society since 2008
Feel free to have a poke around the mind of a madman

Friday, 26 December 2008

A day in the life of a coroner

8.00 am – Get out of bed, put on slippers. Brush teeth, wash Face. put on work clothes.

8.15 am – Breakfast: Scrambled eggs on buttered toast with tea.

8.30 am- Drive Car to mortuary

9.00 am – Inspect male, Caucasian corpse. 15 – 20 years old. Body and face badly decomposed due to legion of maggots eroding skin surface. Inspection of anal region reveals suspected cause of death: Large wooden stick thrusted into rectum.

10.00 am – Morning Snack: Cadburys Twirl and Yazoo Strawberry Milkshake.

10.30 am – Drive to Clapham Common.

11.00 am – Police present female Asian corpse, 20 – 25 years old, badly mutilated. Head severed off by nearby found hacksaw, whereabouts unknown. Suspected Cause of death: Murder.

11.15 am - Accidentally slip on foliage and tumble onto badly mutilated Asian corpse. Police laugh. Drive to Café.

12.00 pm – Brunch: Bacon, sausage, Chips, Eggs, Beans, Mushroom. Coffee and Cadburys Twirl.

12.30 pm – Drive to coroners office.

1.00 pm – Arrive at coroners office. Chief Coroner discovers bodily tissue from mutilated Asian corpse caught on shirt button. Explain foliage, tumble. Issued formal warning. Vending machine run out of Twirls. Gutted.

1.30 pm – Drive to Peckham

2.00 pm – Arrive at Elsingham Road, Peck ham. Forensic team at work in burnt out council flat. Presented to Male, charred body in armchair, age unknown. Ethnicity probably white, however now looks black. Suspected Cause of death: Fire

3.00 pm – Mid afternoon snack: Pack of rolos and walkers prawn cocktail grab bag. Oasis summer fruit drink. Snickers.

3.30 pm –Attempt to masturbate in Tesco car park. Spotted by loitering youths whom accost vehicle. Loitering youths view evidence bag containing charred hand on passengers seat. Youths run off. Pull up pants.

4.00 pm - Drive to Mortuary.

4.30 pm – Inspect body of Male, 20 – 25 year old corpse. Ethnicity Chinese. Body was not found by police until 3 months after death. Attempt to open mouth. Stench forces me to close it again. Attempt to remove victims T- Shirt. Rotting abdomen tears open. Maggots everywhere. Slight movement of neck causes eye to pop out of socket, followed by oozing puss. Cause of Death: Do not care.

5.00 pm - Drive home. Stop off at petrol garage en route. Ginsters’ steak Slice. Apple Tango. Twix.

5.30 pm – Arrive home. Make Dinner: Spaghetti Bolognese.

6.00 – 10pm – TV Time: Simpsons, Friends, Coronation Street, Top Gear, Faulty Towers.

10pm – Television X, pre bed wank

10.15 pm - Bed

3 comments:

Lore said...

You write very well. I do not like this Blog’s name. Sexual satire becomes rapidly boring. I know, I have tried it myself and concluded after I woke up with a hangover it was as funny as the joke about the Pope and Margaret Thatcher which was so visceral that I forgot it.

The coroner piece is genuinely creative. Move that over to your other Blog.
Be careful with the use of your favourite words. Maggots, KFC and spaghetti come to mind.
Also running two Blogs with a similar theme of genital rashes and the urge to use Thai prostitutes as revenge against girls with red hair, is simply wasted time in front of a keyboard.

SEBA 78641 said...

Like this very creative post, it made me laugh out loud like a hyena!
By the way, stupid question time --- are you a coroner? You definitely write with the seen it all attitude of such a profession...

Anonymous said...

no i am not a coroner. thank you for all of your feedback though, it makes blogging all the more worth it!